Living With Loss
helping people who hurt
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LIVING WITH HERPES = DEALING WITH CHRONIC ILLNESS - STD By S. Levin I hate Herpes. The name reminds me of something dirty and grimy. Herpes reminds me of crabs, spiders, and locusts. I don’t like anything about it. It’s a plague. I'm suffering an outbreak. It doesn't feel good. I feel the outbreak on my butt sucking all the energy out of me. For now, the Herpes has a hold on me. I'm feeling down - almost depressed but not quite there. How can I describe how it feels? Physically, I feel like I've got the flu: I'm achy, touchy, and the outbreak hurts. Psychologically, I feel introspective. I want to be left alone and maybe a bit mad and sad. I want to be left alone right now. I want my own space. I know in a couple days it will run its course and I'll be back on track again. I had a difficult childhood, made worse by an inferiority complex. I was overweight. The kids called me four eyes and I felt unattractive to the opposite sex. I was mad at my mom for bringing me into this world. I felt ashamed of myself. I wasn't athletic looking like the other boys but I wanted to be. I got lousy grades in school. I got teased and felt stupid. Everything that went wrong in my household was always my fault. My sister would start crying and immediately my mom sent me to my room as punishment for instigating a fight. When I tried defending myself and my mom wouldn't listen, I became angry. In school, my teacher always blamed me when the class didn’t behave. I felt like a victim. When I became a teenager, I discovered drugs and alcohol. Drinking and smoking dope numbed my pain and stopped all the negative self talk that kept playing like a broken record. Everything else was wrong in my life so why should it be any surprise to get herpes? I was a loser. G-d handed me a death sentence on my future chances at love. It wasn't fair. I had my first outbreak in my mid-twenties. I'd just broken up with my girlfriend - my first true love. We'd been together several years and had lived together for a while. But things weren't right. I was trying to find my way through a career change, and felt depressed. Worse yet, I acted needy towards her. She couldn’t handle my emotional needs. (I’m not sure anyone could have). One day my best friend called to say my girlfriend was cheating on me. He said she was fooling around with his brother-in-law. I didn’t believe him and told him it must have her confused with someone else. Then I distanced myself from him. In my past encounters with this friend, he had a bad reputation for stealing girls from his buddies – and that included one from me. He'd hurt me a lot. But this time he was right. My girlfriend was cheating on me. I confronted her, and then moved out and got my own apartment. Between suddenly finding myself living alone mourning the loss of my cheating girlfriend and not having a job, I got really down and out. I started smoking pot and drinking heavily. I felt sorry for myself. Why me? I kept asking. I felt an itch in my genital area and thought nothing of it. Actually I thought it was a flea bite. Then an idea, one I couldn’t shake, popped into my head: What if I have herpes?" At the time herpes had just hit the news and the media focused on it almost daily. I couldn’t stop obsessing about whether I had it and whether I got it from my ex. Finally I made a doctor’s appointment. When he examined me, he confirmed I had genital herpes. Seeing how upset I was, he tried to make me feel better by saying one in four people have Herpes. He said my outbreaks would only last about a week. Still, I couldn't internalize having herpes. I was devastated. I felt like damaged goods! My life was over – at least my love life as far as I was concerned. I wanted to die. Facing the loss of my future sex life and love life filled me with overwhelming grief. I felt certain my ex-girlfriend gave it to me, so I called her on the phone and blamed her for afflicting me. She started crying. The conversation went downhill. I started on an even deeper, darker downward spiral than the one I’d been on. I'd get high and find ways to reinforce my victim self-image. I'd overeat until I felt bad and disliked myself for that. I listened to sad songs like It's Crying Time Again over and over. I tried to drown my grief alcohol with drugs, and stuff my feelings with food. The truth is, I’d been promiscuous. I could have picked up the virus anywhere. Blaming my ex-girlfriend wasn't fair. I didn't know where I picked it up. I felt robbed of an important part of my life. Royally screwed! What girl in her right mind would want to go out with a guy with herpes? What was I supposed to do? How would I be intimate? I felt contaminated, dirty, and untouchable. . Nobody would want to be with me. For a long time, I isolated. I was too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it. I kept it to myself. I read everything I could about it and learned a lot of people have it, and that there was treatment for it -- it but no cure. Eventually I learned it was something I could manage, and when I didn't have an outbreak it would be okay to have sex as long as I disclosed to my partner that I had herpes and sometimes would get genital outbreaks. I also read using a condom was a good way to prevent spreading it to a partner whether I had an outbreak or not. A few years later, I met a really nice woman. We were attracted to each another. We started going out and when we started growing close, I told her I had herpes. I told her quietly, in an embarrassed way because I was embarrassed. I expected her to end our relationship then, or suggest that we just be friends, or tell me she never wanted to see me again. But occasionally when we remove our armor and let ourselves become vulnerable, something magical happens. She told me that she had herpes too. She said she dated a guy who'd been exposed to Agent Orange in the Viet Nam war and she sometimes would get outbreaks on her back. On this day I became redeemed. I was open, honest and willing to face the consequences of losing this terrific gal, but the universe had other plans for me – and us. We became wonderful lovers. We dated. To this day we are still married. We enjoy a deep love and affection for each other. When either of us has an outbreak, we usually are more affectionate than normal - something about having an outbreak causes us to become more intimate and caring to one another. We’ll hold each other in bed and the wonderful feeling of having an understanding partner feels good. My curse turned out to be a blessing. I've since learned that I'm not the only person on the planet who suffers from herpes. I’ve learned it’s normal to feel guilty and ashamed when diagnosed with herpes. They say it's normal to feel like your sex life is ruined and you may feel sad or upset. Having my feelings and reactions validated was so healing. We can be different, and still be perfectly normal – for us. Usually a stressful situation will cause an outbreak. It could be something at work, not getting enough sleep or an emotional upset in our household. But I've learned when I get an outbreak that it's only going to last a few days and I just need to ride it out. Eventually I am healed and go back to feeling the way I usually do. As I've gotten older, it's just another thing that needs managing in my life. Although I don't like the word and I don’t like having herpes, I am powerless over it. Ultimately, I’ve come to accept it as part of who I am and part of my life story. And this is one story that has a happy ending. Sources and information from: |