WHAT TO SAY AND WHAT NOT TO SAY TO PEOPLE IN GRIEF

 by Melody Beattie

In Facebook (an internet socializing site), I put a call out to people who had gone through grief. I asked them what helped most and the opposite – what was of the least value to them -- when it came to support from friends. The response was overwhelming, but didn't surprise me. I'll post it in its entirety in the Members Only Section inside.

People agree that some things people said help, other things people say do more than hurt. The wrong thing said at the wrong time can cause an ordinarily passive person to want to put on the boxing gloves and go ten rounds. There was agreement among those who responded to my questions that they would much prefer someone saying little or nothing instead of nervously babbling and saying the wrong things. Words are powerful. They can build up or tear apart, heal or hurt, strengthen or weaken when they're heard. Learn to let the words that come out of our mouths be compassionate, brief, powerful words that heal.

DO NOT SAY:

It's God's Will. While that's true for those who believe in a Higher Power, hearing it said doesn't help. It can make people even angrier than they already are at God because this pain is their path. Trust friends and loved ones to discover this concept for themselves.

You must not become angry at God; that's wrong. When I expressed my anger at God to a friend, she cut me off like butter being cut by a sharp knife. "You can't feel that way," she said. "It's wrong. Getting angry at God just cuts you off from your source of help and support." These words didn't help. To the willd bunch of feelings going through me in the weeks and months following my son's death, now I had added guilt about the anger at God that may accompany grief as an extra and unnecessary one. God is big enough to handle our anger and rage. Becoming angry at the other person is part of any normal intimate relationship. Feeling close enough to God to be angry at God is an expression of love and faith and is perfectly okay – if that's how you feel.

I know how you must feel. No, you don't – even if you experienced a similar loss. How do you know your friend or loved one is feeling exactly as you felt? Each of us has our own unique set of emotions tied to whatever we lost. If you truly know how someone feels, that phrase will not need to be expressed. Your friend will feel it. Don't assume. Ask.

Aren't you over that yet? It was the first Christmas after Shane died. I was walking through the mall when someone who was a longtime friend approached me. "How are you?" he asked. "I'm not doing too well," I responded. He looked started. "Why not? What's wrong?" he asked. "My son died," I said. He reeled back like I had leprosy. "Aren't you over that yet?" he asked?" Those were the most hurtful words spoken to me that anyone said. We tend to beat ourselves up, thinking we should move more quickly through our grief. One friend even told me that "I'd show people how to deal with grief in record time." I may have broke records, but it was the other kind. It takes most people about eight years to get through the worst part of losing a child. It took me close to ten. That's alright. We each have our own personal velocity, our own pace. We won't be moving at the same speed as the rest of the world. It's your grief, your loss, and you'll deal with it however and whenever you do and that's your privilege and your right.

He (or she) is happier or better off now. Times when we've watched someone suffer a long, drawn-out painful death, seeing a loved one not suffering anymore can be a blessing. But let the person say those words him or herself. What wife wants to think her husband is happier without her? What parent wants to hear that his or her child is better off without that parent? These aren't words of comfort; they're words that hurt.

Let me know if there's something you need. While these words don't hurt, they don't help. People in grief often have no idea what they want or need. No, that's not true. They want what they lost back. Can you give that to them? Think of something helpful you can do, and then do it. Going grocery shopping became a difficult task, although later on it became a comforting chore. Movies can be a real healer for someone in deep grief. Bring your friend some recently released DVD's that you think the person might like. If you rent them, when they're due stop by, pick them up, and return them. Cook. Make and freeze some meals, put them in good containers, label them, and bring them to your friend's house. Don't sit and wait to be invited to share a meal. Your friend may not be hungry. Sometimes we can be of practical service by mowing the lawn, washing the car, or doing other errands or chores. Before you get too personal or deeply involved and assume too much though, ask. Your friend lost something important – but it wasn't his or her mind. Be of practical service but respect boundaries too.

You really need to give a gift to everyone who was there for you the week of your son's death – paying for them to take a trip would be nice. Yes, a friend said that and yes, the group of people who received money to take a trip included her. People in grief – especially deep loss – are extremely vulnerable. Protect them – don't take advantage of them. (Things like this happen more than you think.) I expected Life to protect me after my loss but the opposite happened; the vultures came to pick on the bones.

I'll add more to this list inside. But now, let's move on to things we can say that help. (One activity we'll work on inside is writing a comfort letter. There's a precise form that can be extremely comforting and helpful.)

DO CONSIDER SAYING:

I'm at a loss for words. All I can say is I love you and I'm sorry for your loss. When in doubt, tell the truth and keep it brief.

This really sucks that you have to go through this, but I know you're strong and you'll make it through – whether you want to or not. Don't start looking for the silver lining. Sometimes life sucks. Admit it. Tell the truth. Express belief in your friend, because he or she may need to see your belief reflected in your eyes.

Call any time of the day or night. It's never too early or too late if you need and want to talk. Don't push your friend to talk but don't put earplugs in, either. Your friend may need to tell the story of his or her loss fifty or one hundred times. People need to go over and over the story until they can integrate the unthinkable into their lives. Don't call them in the middle of the night, though. That's not appropriate and it's not okay, unless the person specifically asked you to do that. I had someone that called me every night just as I feel asleep and she wanted to talk. It was annoying, disturbing, and of absolutely no help. Plus the person was drunk. (This was a family member.) I stopped taking that person's calls.

Ask if they're alright if you bring up _________________ (the loss) if it involves losing a person or a business. Then share a favorite memory with the person. This is especially helpful when someone loses someone to death. It helps keep the person alive in a good way. A large fear when we lose someone to death is that we'll forget the person or the deceased person will forget us. Sharing special memories can make a person feel good even though it might cause them to cry. Another good way to do this is by picking out a card and writing a story in there about the memory you had with the person. Be sure to make it a positive, funny, or loving memory that speaks to the person's good qualities. These moments are treasured by someone experiencing losing someone or something he or she deeply cherished and loved.

Being around someone in deep pain -- or even medium pain -- can make us feel awkward and uncomfortable.  It's not your job to fix anyone or take away their pain.  We don't have that much power.  Trying to fix someone also implies that it's not okay for that person to be where he or she is at emotionally, which can make them feel more uncomfortable than they already do.  Be yourself.  If you're not sure what to say, then the less said the better.  Let your friend or loved one lead the way.  Use your gifts and skills to pick up on what the other person needs.  The most helpful thing anyone can do is validate that the other person is okay -- no matter what he or she is going through. 

Remember, if you're not sure whether the person is comfortable talking about their loss, don't assume.  Ask if they want to talk or not.  Then respect what you hear.  Just assuring a friend that you believe in them and their power to survive the loss they've experienced can be an empowering and helpful thing to say and do.