Living With Loss
helping people who hurt
Master Loss ChecklistNOTE: CLICK ON 'PRINT' ICON TO PRINT LIST. - Following is a list of possible losses, changes, and passages. Scan it. Put a check mark by any losses or changes that apply to your life. Mark losses that happened in the past and changes or losses occurring now. If you’ve experienced a loss but feel at peace with it, put a “P” by that loss.* Some losses, such as a serious physical impairment or the death of a child, will stay with us all our lives. Put an “O” by any loss you feel is ongoing. Only you can decide if a particular loss will affect you and for how long. (You may be marking your losses with more than one letter. Use as many letters as you need to accurately describe your grief) Put an “H” by any loss that currently hurts. If you want, use the same rating scale that doctors use to assess physical pain. On a scale from 1 to 10, with 1 being the least and 10 being the most severe, mark how much that loss hurts on your best days and how much it hurts on your worst. Do you have any days that are pain free? How many each month? If you see losses on the list that you haven’t dealt with, mark those with an “F” for frozen. If a loss has caused you trauma, mark it with a “T.” Only you can decide how traumatic a loss is. We can lose tangible things like a person or house, and intangible things like self-esteem, innocence, and feeling safe in the world. There are unclear or fuzzy losses, psychotherapist Pauline Boss writes in her book Ambiguous Loss. Those losses can be confusing. Mommy comes home every night, but she isn’t really there because she’s drunk. Or we’re immigrants to a new country, receiving all the gains the move to that country brings but we’ve lost the traditions, values, culture, and family contacts that we had in our homeland. Because we’ve gained something, what we’ve lost may not be clear, or we may think we’re complaining unnecessarily for having feelings about what’s gone. We need to give ourselves permission to grieve and to feel our loss – whether we intellectually think it qualifies as a loss or not. Losses often accompany welcomed change such as the loss of freedom or loss of a good night’s sleep that happen when we have children. “I haven’t been able to watch a football game from start to finish for five years,” one father said. “I love my children. But I miss watching sports on Sunday afternoons.” We may go through grief when there are changes at work, even if the reorganization is good. Most people agree that all change brings loss. That’s how Life works. There are losses involved with expected life passages such as moving from childhood into adulthood, marriage, old age, and ultimately, death. A woman who is more in love with her husband than anyone I’ve met pulled me aside a few months after her wedding. She married later in life, in her mid-thirties at the time. “If I get up to go to the bathroom, he asks where I’m going. He expects me to go to bed at the same time he does. I’ve been a single woman for a long time. I love him, but I feel like I’ve lost my freedom. I can’t even sit, space out, and watch my favorite shows on television when I come home after a hard day’s work and not talk for a while. He’s waiting for me to tell him about my day. Nobody told me it was going to be like this. I love him,” she said, “but losing my freedom is driving me crazy. Somebody ought to write a book.” She’s hoping to find a way to balance her need to take care of herself with her need to respond lovingly to her husband. There are normal expectations for people in a live-in relationship such as calling if we’re going to be late or sharing the remote control, things that aren’t expected when we live alone. Sometimes awareness is all we need to ease our passage through the change. There are advantages—blessings and gifts—and limitations that accompany each stage of life. A loss may be personal and affect only one person—us. Sometimes other people are involved. When a child dies, that child’s family, friends, and neighbors are affected, each in his or her own way. Some losses affect an entire community. Sometimes a country or the globe is affected by a natural disaster or a war. En masse, we grieved over the death of Mother Theresa, Princess Diana, and President John F. Kennedy. We each had our feelings, but we went through the grief together. The losses were personal, but cultural too. Sometimes the passing of one person symbolizes the passing of an era (as when Johnny Carson retired and then died or Phil Donahue’s talk show ended). Another loss category is the natural evolution and the changes that take place in cultures, our country and the world as times, ways, music, fashion, entertainers, and art change. Each person grieves in his or her way, pace, and time. We’ll each find our path to peace – if we want to. Losses that might be minor to an adult can impact a teenager or child more or differently. Losses that cause minor distress to one person can be major for someone else. We are the only ones who know how we feel. Some losses cause more pain than others. But even if we’ve gone through the worst loss, other losses still hurt, and it doesn’t help to play the my pain is worse than yours game. Experiencing a catastrophic loss may make additional losses feel insignificant and overwhelming at the same time. I’ve already been through so much. It’s too much to lose anything else, we think. But this is nothing compared to what I’ve been through. Current losses usually activate pain from other losses. A friend took me on a tour of the building where she works. She heads an organization that helps people with HIV/AIDS. On the wall are pictures of people who died. Attending funerals is part of her job, she explained. “I don’t get used to the death,” she said. “Pain doesn’t become routine. There’s a room in my heart that holds the grief from all the people I’ve lost. When someone else dies, I feel the pain from all the other losses as well as the pain I’m feeling from the loss now. I find myself right back in that room.” How full is that room in your heart? Do you have the courage and willingness to find out? Make a list of your losses now. Most experts agree that the biggest barrier to joy and peace are the frozen, denied, or repressed emotions from unresolved grief. Many losses we overlook, thinking, “That can’t possibly be a real loss.” Yes, it probably is – or was. Some losses we aren’t aware of, because we never had it to begin with, such as a Mother or Father’s love. So we don’t know we lost it, because it was never there. If you want to do some work on yourself that will give you one of the biggest payoffs from any work you’ve ever done, go through the following list, mark each loss, and begin letting the old emotions go. *Content slightly altered from original book. NOTE: CLICK ON PDF ICON TO PRINT LIST. LOSS CODES
Mark Each Loss With As Many Letters As You Need to Describe It
___Death of a child, spouse, or close family member ___ Child, spouse, or loved one is in the process of dying ___ Miscarriage ___ Stillbirth ___ Death of other loved ones (death significantly affects us) ___ Death of someone (loss somewhat affects us) ___ In the process of our own death (imminent, pending, know approximate death date) ___ In the process of our own death and leaving minor children behind ___ Abortion (we’re the mother) ___ Abortion (our child—we’re the father) ___ Unwanted child (we’re the unwanted child) ___Unwanted pregnancy (us) ___ Unwanted pregnancy (our child) ___Unwanted pregnancy (someone we love) ___ Suicide (someone we love) ___ Murder (someone we love) ___ Suicide attempt, failed (us) ___ Suicide attempt, failed (someone we love) ___ Abduction/kidnapping (us) ___ Abduction/ kidnapping (someone we love) ___Missing child ___ Missing adult ___ Death of a pet ___ Loss of a pet ___ Placed a child for adoption ___ Were placed for adoption ___ Adopting a child who has unexpected mental or physical issues ___ Inability to obtain and sustain adequate insurance ___ Chronic illness (us) ___ Chronic illness (someone we love) ___ Living with the possibility of onset or recurrence of serious illness (Huntington’s disease, cancer, etc., for us) ___ Living with the possibility of onset or recurrence of serious illness (someone we love) ___ Waiting for test results for serious illness (us) ___ Waiting for test results for serious illness (someone we love) ___ Unable to get proper medical diagnosis (us) ___Unable to get proper medical diagnosis (someone we love) ___ Intractable pain (us) ____Intractable pain (someone we love) ____ Unable to get proper treatment for intractable pain (us) ____ Unable to get proper treatment for intractable pain (someone we love) ____ Living with a potentially fatal or serious illness (us) ____ Living with a potentially fatal or serious illness (someone we love) ____ Permanent or long-term illness that impacts quality of life or ability to function (us) ____ Permanent or long-term illness that impacts qualify of life or ability to function (someone we love) ____ Ill spouse/ partner who requires temporary caretaking ____ Ill spouse/ partner who requires long-term caretaking ____Ill family member who requires temporary caretaking ____ Ill family member who requires long-term caretaking ____ Illness as a child that affected our school or social participation ____ Ill child with special needs (our child) ____ Debilitating illness in ourselves that requires temporary caretaking ____ Debilitating illness in ourselves that requires permanent or long-term caretaking ____ Visually impaired (us) ____ Visually impaired (someone we love or a child) ____ Hearing impaired (us) ____ Hearing impaired (someone we love or a child) ____ Physically impaired temporarily (someone we love or a child) ____ Physically impaired permanently (someone we love or a child) ____ Surgery (someone we love or a child) ____ Improper medical treatment that made injury or illness worse (us) ____ Improper medical treatment that made injury or illness worse (someone we love) ____Accident (us) ____ Accident (someone we love) ____ Accident with long-term or permanent injury (us) ____ Accident with long-term or permanent injury (someone we love) ____ Loss of one or both breasts ____ Loss of ability to bear children or to impregnate ____ Loss of a limb or body part ____ Loss of use of a limb temporarily ____ Loss of use of a limb permanently ____ Had an organ transplanted in us ____ STD (have one) ____ STD (spread one to someone else) ____ Illness that carries perceived stigma (us) ____ Illness that carries perceived stigma (someone we love) ____ Illness that is contagious permanently (us) ____ Illness that is contagious permanently (someone we love) ____ Illness that is temporarily seriously contagious (us) ____ Illness that is temporarily seriously contagious (someone we love) ____ War (our country involved with war or we feel the impact of this war) ____ Actively participating in war (us) ____ Actively participating in war (someone we care about) ____ War taking place in our country ____ Natural disaster without personal losses (affects our community or those we care about; somehow we feel the impact although we didn’t lose anything) ____ Natural disaster with personal losses ____ Terrorism that affects or threatens us ____ Terrorism that directly affects or threatens someone we love ____ Death of beloved leader or president ____ Death of a hero, favorite figure, or entertainer ____ Loss of irreplaceable possessions (photos, sentimental gifts) ____ As a child, had adult housch0ld/ family duties and responsibilities ____ Adult with more than our share of household/ family duties and responsibilities ____ Single parent (by choice) ____Single parent (forced on us) ____ Married or with partner, but partner doesn’t hold up his or her share of responsibilities for child raising ____ Married or with partner, but partner doesn’t hold up his or her share of family/ household responsibilities ____ Victimized by business or charity scam ____ Brainwashed or trapped by group or cult (us) ____ Brainwashed or trapped by group or cult (someone we love) ____ Abuse—physical, sexual, or emotional (us as child) ____ Abuse-physical, sexual, or emotional (us as child by family member) ____ Abuse—physical, sexual, or emotional (one or more of our children) ____ Abuse—physical, sexual, or emotional (one or more of our children by a family member) ____ Abuse——physical, sexual, or emotional (us as adult) ____ Abuse—physical, sexual, or emotional (us as adult by family member) ____ Abuse—physical, sexual, or emotional (our adult child) ____ Abuse perpetrator (us as adult) ____ Abuse perpetrator (us as child) ____Rape (our child) ____ Rape (our child by family member) ____ Rape (us as child) ____ Rape (us as child by family member) ____ Rape (our adult child) ____ Rape (our adult child by family member) ____ Rape (us as adult) ____ Rape (us as adult by family member or friend) ____ Rape or incest perpetrator (us as minor) ____ Rape or incest perpetrator (us as adult) ____ Assault (on us) ____ Assault (on someone we love) ____ Being stalked (we’re the victim) ____ Being stalked (someone we love is the victim) ____Stalking someone (we’re the perpetrator) ____ Stalking someone (someone we love is the perpetrator) ____Robbery (we’re the victim) ____ Burglary (we’re the victim) ____ Crime committed against us (by stranger) ____ Crime committed against us (by someone we trusted or a friend) ____ Criminal behavior, parole, probation, imprisonment, execution (by or of us) ____ Criminal behavior, parole, probation, imprisonment, execution (by or of our child) ____ Criminal behavior, parole, probation, imprisonment, execution (by or of someone we care about or love) ____ Innocent but accused or convicted of a crime (us) ____ Innocent but accused or convicted of a crime (our child) ____ Innocent but accused or convicted of a crime (someone we love or a family member) ____ Caused the death of another human being inadvertently accidentally, in war, in self-defense, or as part of a job (for instance, law enforcement) ____ Caused the death of another human being intentionally (not in a war or as part of a job) ____ Caused serious harm to another human being inadvertently or accidentally, in war, in self-defense, or as part of a job ____ Caused serious harm to another person deliberately ____ Divorce (our own) ____ Divorce (our parents) ____ Divorce of a friend or relative (divorce affects our relationship with him or her) ____ Became a stepparent ____ Became a stepchild ____ Loss of a stepparent ____ Loss of a stepchild ____ Loss of presence of one or both of our parents in our life (as a child) ____ No contact with our family (as an adult) ____ No contact with extended family (as a child, for instance, grandparents missing) ____ No contact with extended family (as an adult) ____ Loss of contact with a child (when child is a minor) ____ Loss of contact with a child (when child is an adult) ____ Loss of custody of a child ____ Loss of foster child or child we’ve been caring for ____ Severely dysfunctional relationship (with family member, friend, or loved one) ____ Divorce (our grown child/children) ____ Loss of relationship with son- or daughter-in-law who we treasured ____ Loss of relationship with mother- or father-in-law who we treasured ____ Divorce of grown child/children when our relationship with grandchildren is changed or severed ____ Raising our grandchildren or a child we didn’t plan to raise ____ Adult child/ children moved back into home after we had become used to them being gone ____ Separation (our own) ____ Separation (our parents) ____ End of romantic relationship ____ Broken engagement ____ End of friendship ____ Change in friendship (one person moves, gets married) ____ Someone we love marries or dates someone we don’t like ____ Marrying or dating someone who someone we love dislikes ____ Arguing, hostility with spouse ____ Arguing, hostility with romantic relationship ____ Arguing, hostility with family member or child ____ Arguing, hostility with friend or neighbor ____ Marriage dead but still in it ____ Romantic relationship dead or ending but still in it ____ Dissension with co—worker ____ Major disappointment ____ Move within same city ____ Move to another city or state ____ Move to another country ____ Loss of home or living situation ____ Inability to find appropriate living situation ____ Having an affair (us) ____ Having an affair (spouse or committed partner) ____ Suspect partner or spouse of having an affair ____ Spouse or partner suspects us of having an affair ____ Having an emotional, not physical affair with someone (us) ____ Having an emotional, not physical affair with someone (spouse or partner) ____ Romantic partner or spouse left us for another person ____ We left romantic partner or spouse for another person ____ Bankruptcy ____ Serious financial problems (still able to work, problems fixable) ____ Serious financial problems (elderly or otherwise unable to work, problems difficult to resolve) ____ Financially unstable (us) ____ Financially unstable (a partner, someone we love, someone whose financial instability affects us) ____ Loss of retirement funds, savings, or investments (us) ____ Loss of retirement funds, savings, or investments (someone we love) ____ Compulsively going into debt (us) ____ Compulsively going into debt (someone we love or someone who’s financial situation affects us) ____ Problems with the IRS or any difficult tax situation ____ Audit by the IRS ____ Loss of credit ____ No credit ____ Loss of reputation ____ Slander or libel (against us) ____ Slander or libel (by us against someone) ____ Identity theft ____ Credit card theft or loss ____ Wallet or purse loss ____ Loss of valuable item ____ Suing someone ____ Someone suing us (legitimate claim) ____ Someone suing us (fraudulent claim) ____Someone bringing false charges against us (criminal) ____Prosecuting someone else ____ Bringing false charges against someone else ____ Prejudice or discrimination (against us) ____ Prejudice or discrimination (by us) ____ Ashamed of something we did or that happened to us ____ Ashamed of something family member or loved one did or that happened to him or her ____ Loss of integrity ____ Lying to someone ____ Being lied to ____Manipulating someone ____Being manipulated ____Controlling someone ____Being or feeling controlled ____Deprived of ability to freely be who we are ____Deprived of freedom of self-expression ____Deprived of freedom of creative expression ____Deprived of ability to feel and express emotions ____Creatively stuck or blocked ____Deprived of ability to travel (health, marital, financial, or familial restrictions) ____ Loss of joy (enraged, disappointed, or bitter) ____ Loss of passion ____Loss of energy and vitality ____Loss of enthusiasm ____Loss of hope ____ Loss of love (others for us) ____ Loss of love (us for others) ____ Loss of self-esteem ____ Loss of self—confidence ____ Loss of fun or pleasurable activities ____ Loss of membership or participation in club or group ____ Unable to furnish our living situation in pleasing way ____ Loss of important recreational activity ____ Restricted from important or valued activities (as a child) ____ Restricted from important or valued activities (as an adult) ____ Someone we love is restricted from valued activities and that affects us ____ Feel like a failure ____ Deprived of feeling blessed by God ____ Loss of faith in God ____ Significant change in religion, spirituality or religious beliefs ____ Loss of faith in ourselves ____ Loss of innocence ____ Living with guilt (us) ____ Living with guilt (someone we love) ____ Someone we love has lost innocence, faith, self-esteem, reputation, joy, or self-confidence ____ Doing something that violates our ethics or standards ____ Someone we love does something that violates our ethics or standards, and it affects us (e.g., friend is having an affair and we know friend’s spouse) ____ Stress (outer or inner—us) ____ Stress (outer or inner—someone we love) ____ Meanness, bitterness, or holding grudge (us) ____ Meanness, bitterness, or holding grudge (someone we love) ____ Someone has a grudge against us ____ Someone is telling lies or spreading rumors about us ____ Spreading rumors or lying about someone else ____ Loss of quality of life due to deep and extended grief (us) ____ Loss of quality of life due to deep and extended grief (someone we love) ____Contaminated environment, toxins (home, apartment, ground, neighborhood) ____ Hurting someone’s feelings intentionally ____ Hurting someone’s feelings accidentally ____ Someone is hurting our feelings intentionally ____ Someone is hurting our feelings accidentally ____ Feeling denied or deprived of someone or something we really want ____ Cannot read (us) · ____ Cannot read (someone we love of appropriate age) ____ Cannot write (us) ____ Cannot write (someone we love of appropriate age) ____ Loss of purpose ____ Loss of feeling needed ____ Loss of job ____ Loss of ability to work (due to age, health, or circumstances, including people in entertainment, in modeling, or with sports career) ____Loss of interest in career or vocation ____ Fired from job (our fault) ____ Fired from job (not our fault) ____ Hour, salary, or benefit reduction at work ____ Extensive necessary work travel (us) ____ Extensive necessary work travel (someone we love) ____ Working more hours than usual or desired (us) ____Working more hours than usual or desired (someone we love) ____ Major change at job (policies, duties, role, leadership, business function, etc.) ____Cannot find job, career, or vocation we enjoy or like ____ Bored with job, work, or career ____Cannot find work ____ Business failed ____ Business barely making it on ongoing basis, stressful ____ Failed important test (school or work, e.g., bar exam, pilot or nurse licensure) ____ Failed to make team (sports) ____ Feeling trapped by family business or career expectations ____Trapping someone with business or career expectations ____ Business outdated due to cultural evolution or corporate competition (family stores, etc.) ____ Lost crops or products due to acts of nature or God ____ Creative work failed or rejected ____ Loss of important contract or job (if in business for ourselves) ____ Loss of important, hard-to-replace documents, papers, etc. ____ Someone we love lost important documents, papers, etc., and it affects us if ____ Uninsured loss (minor) ____ Uninsured loss (catastrophic) ____ Business failed due to competition ____ Loss of lease on business premises or forced out of business due to rent increase or fire/ flood/ earthquake damage ____Deprived of wanted promotion ____ Lost important award or victory ____ Someone we love lost important award or victory ____ Failure or blunder at work ____ Failure at school ____ Failure to graduate from high school ____ Loss of favorite teacher, boss, or co—worker ____ Loss of valued neighbor or employee at business we frequent ____ Inability to get desired education due to finances or rejection from school ____ Death of dreams ____ Significant change or loss in financial situation ____ Significant change or loss in partner’s, spouse's, or roommate’s financial situation ____ Significant change in grown child’s financial situation ____ Significant change in friend or other family member’s financial situation ____ Learning disability (us) ____ Learning disability (our child) ____ Learning disability (someone we love) ____ Alcoholism, addiction, eating disorder, gambling addiction, anger management problems (us) ____ Alcoholism, addiction, eating disorder, gambling addiction, anger management problems (close family member or loved one) ____ Alcoholism, addiction, eating disorder, gambling addiction, anger management problems (our child) ____ Loss of childhood or ability to be a child ____ Codependency (us) ____ Codependency (someone we love) ____ Phobia that restricts (us) ____ Phobia that restricts (someone we love, and it affects us) ____ Sabotaging or failure behaviors (us) ____ Sabotaging or failure behaviors (someone we love) ____ Living in a country and can’t speak the language ____ Living in a country and don’t like or fit into the culture ____ Mental illness (us) ____ Mental illness (our child, young or adult) ____ Mental illness (someone we love) ____ Living with a person who is sloppy or unclean ____ Living with our own messiness ____ Living with someone else’s uncontrollable clutter or pack-ratting ____ Living with our own uncontrollable clutter or pack-ratting ____ Living with a miserly or cheap person ____ Living with our own stinginess or money fear ____ Financially dependent on someone else ____ Someone else is financially dependent on us (other than our minor children) ____ Depression, anxiety, panic disorder, manic depression, OCD, (obsessive-compulsive disorder), ADD (attention deficit disorder), ADHD (attention-deficit/ hyperactivity disorder) (us) ____ Depression, anxiety, panic disorder, manic depression, OCD, ADD, ADHD (our child) ____ Depression, anxiety, panic disorder, manic depression, OCD, ADD, ADHD (someone we love) ____ Inability to get medications or medical care due to insurance restrictions, financial limitation, or limited resources (us) ____ Inability to get medications or medical care due to insurance restrictions, financial limitation, or limited resources (someone we care about) ____ Physical limitations due to aging ____ Unwanted changes in appearance due to aging ____ Unwanted gain or loss of weight ____ Loss of hair ____ Loss of continence ____ Need long-term medication or medical treatment (us) \ ____ Need long-term medication or medical treatment (someone we love) ____ Need long-term rehabilitation or physical therapy (us) ____ Need long-term rehabilitation or physical therapy (someone we love) ____ Need to alter routine due to medical problems or restrictions (us) ____ Need to alter routine due to medical problems or restrictions (someone we love) ____ Living with serious side effects from medication or medical treatment (us) ____ Living with serious side effects from medication or medical treatment (someone we love) ____ Significant long-term or permanent change in appearance from accident, illness, or injury ____ Loss of sexual activity in marriage or committed relationship (our ability or desire) ____ Loss of sexual activity in marriage or committed relationship (partner or spouse’s ability or desire) ____ Loss of ability to be sexual (us) ____ Loss of ability to be sexual (our partner or spouse) ____ Loss of sexual appeal (us) ____ Loss of sexual appeal (someone we love) ____ Sexually inadequate or dysfunctional (us) ____ Sexually inadequate or dysfunctional (someone we love) ____ Deprived of intimacy with friends or family members ____ Deprived of intimacy with spouse or romantic partner ____ Deprived of sexual activity (cannot find appropriate partner) ____ Loss of trust in a marriage (we lost trust) ____ Loss of trust in a marriage (partner or spouse lost trust in us) ____ Loss of trust in any close relationship; including child (we lost trust) ____ Loss of trust in any close relationship, including child (other person lost trust in us) ____ Deprived of personal time with romantic partner or spouse ____ Deprived of personal time with child (minor or adult) ____ Deprived of personal time with friend, family member, or other loved one ____ Deprived of private time ____ Deprived of privacy ____ Depriving someone else of private time ____ Depriving someone else of privacy ____ Over isolating (us) ____ Over isolating (someone we love) ____ Bored (long-term) with spouse or romantic partner (us) ____ Spouse or romantic partner is bored with us ____ Not sharing interests or activities with spouse or partner, and it bothers us ____ Not sharing interests or activities with spouse or partner, and it bothers him or her ____ Feeling trapped in romantic relationship, marriage, or friendship ____ Spouse, partner, or friend feels trapped with us ____ Giving more than we’re receiving in a marriage and feeling drained by it ____ Giving more than we’re receiving in a romantic relationship and feeling drained ____ Giving more than we’re receiving in a friendship and feeling drained ____ Giving more than we’re receiving at work and feeling drained ____ Spouse or partner feels like he or she is giving more than he or she is receiving and feels drained by us ____ Friend feels like he or she is giving more than he or she is receiving and feels drained by us ____ Spouse, partner, child, or friend is extremely unhappy with life and his or her unhappiness affects us ____ Power balance is off in marriage or romantic partnership—we have more power than the other person ____ Power balance is off in marriage or romantic partnership – the other person has more power than us ____ Power balance is off in friendship—we have more power than the friend ____ Power balance is off in friendship—the friend has more power than us ____Power balance is off with our child—the child is controlling us (minor or adult child) ____ Spouse’s power balance is off with his or her child (the child is controlling him or her and it bothers us) ____ Spouse is being controlled or used by his or her ex-partner (marital or romantic) ____ Spouse’s ex-partner (marital or romantic) is interfering in our relationship with spouse or partner now ____We earn more than our spouse or partner, and it bothers us ____ We earn more than our spouse or partner, and it bothers him or her ____ Spouse or partner earns more than us, and it bothers us ____ Spouse or partner earns more than us, and it bothers him or her ____ Friends envious of us ____ We’re envious of friends ____ Spouse or romantic partner envious of us ____ We’re envious of spouse or romantic partner ____ Child envious of us ____ We’re envious of our child ____ Someone is behaving jealously with us ____ We’re behaving jealously with someone else ____ We owe someone money and we’re delaying paying it back (business) ____ We owe someone money and we’re delaying in paying it back (friend) ____ Friend owes us money and isn’t paying us back on time ____ Business or institution owes us money and isn’t timely in paying us or is cheating us ____ Being overcharged with no recourse (including interest rates) ____ Overcharging someone and not giving him or her recourse ____ Betrayal by someone we love ____ Betraying someone we love ____ Publicly embarrassed, humiliated, or shamed us ____ Publicly embarrassed, humiliated, or shamed (someone we love) ____ Desire romantic relationship but cannot find acceptable partner ____ Loss of ability to participate in hobby or sport we enjoyed ____ Loss of credit for work we actually did; someone else took credit for it ____ We took credit for work but didn’t do it ____ Feeling trapped or overextended with volunteer activities (us) ____ Feeling trapped or overextended with volunteer activities (someone we love) ____ Deprived of contact with nature ____ Deprived of sunshine ____ Deprived of favorite foods or other substances (sugar, fried foods, tobacco, chewing snuff, etc.) due to diet, health, or lifestyle restrictions ____ Sexual orientation not what we expected (us) ____ Sexual orientation not what we expected (someone we love) ____ Gender-identity issues (us) ____ Gender-identity issues (someone we love) ____ Sex change (us) ____ Sex change (someone we love) ____ Move into nursing home or special care facility (us) ____ Move into nursing home or special care facility (someone we love) ____ Deprived of social life ____ Loss of political freedom or political expression ____ Deprived of freedom of religious expression ____ Loss of transportation ____ Loss of ability to drive (age, physical, or legal restriction) ____ Loss of ability to fly airplane, operate motorcycle, etc. ____ Inadequate provisions for elderly years (us) ____ Inadequate provisions for elderly years (someone we love) ____ Confined to bed or housebound ____ Need wheelchair or walker for mobility ____ Need prosthesis for functioning ____ Loss of teeth (permanent teeth) ____ Loss of memory, mental acuity, and sharpness ____ Loss of freedom for any reason ____ Living alone (when used to living with people) ____ Living with people (when used to living alone) ____ Unwanted or extra house guests (spouse’s family, etc.) ____ Undesired family responsibilities (taking care of spouse’s family, etc.) ____ Loss of important person, such as hairdresser, doctor, minister, business associate, or employee ____ Loss of favorite or important place, such as park, restaurant, theater, church, or business due to closure, moving, or circumstance ____ Alternative lifestyle ____ Expatriate ____ Other: Passages: ____ Transition from infancy and childhood to attending school ____ Change in schools ____ Graduation from school and entering workforce ____ Transition from childhood to adulthood ____ Marriage ____ Having children ____ Maturing (age twenty-eight through thirty-two) ____ Facing mortality ____ Role reversal—we’re taking care of our parents ____ Changes in technology industry, and jobs/workforce ____ Fashion trend changes ____ Menopause ____ Empty nest ____ Middle age ____ Old age ____ Retirement ____ Death ____ Cultural changes and cultural evolutions that cause us to feel displaced ____ Awakening or change in consciousness |