Living With Loss
helping people who hurt
By Corinne Edwards, Guest Author
We had a shocking loss of a young person in the family. My 21 year old son had died in an accident. The next day, a friend came to see us. His son had been killed by a drunk driver. His words were a surprise. They did not sink in until much later. “You will never get over this. If you know this in advance, you won’t try. You will not struggle and condemn yourself for not succeeding.” He was right. His words became a consolation. I stopped trying. That is why I decided to write this article. I wanted to share my friend’s words with them and you. The old normal is gone. There is a hole in your heart and your being that will never be filled. I related to so many things the women confided. I read their stories – did the same things. I also felt my son around all the time. I went to psychics to try to contact him. Even to a séance. I prayed for messages. I dreamed about him often. I imagined I saw him in a crowd of people. I would not let him go. One psychic told me that those who have gone on to the other side are allowed to stay around for a while. To help and comfort. But not forever. I started feeling him less and less. Dreaming of him only once in a while. But , everyday, he has never left my heart. After a period of intense pain, you will be different. The person you were is gone. It is an amputation. Eventually, a new person will emerge. It will be the new normal. A new life will start to happen but the limb you have lost will not grow back. You will have something in common with a soldier who bravely runs a marathon despite having a prosthesis for a leg. As my friend said, you will never get over it. This new person will have a life which includes peace, love and even laughter, community and new friendships. It can and will happen in your own time. I believe there is a tiny gift inherent in every unspeakable tragedy. One is compassion. I could not have written that article for widows if I had not experienced the grief of losses in my life. I would not have been able to connect. Another is knowing how to help someone else who is in that state of extreme pain. The world does not allow you much time. You hear platitudes like “Life goes on” and “Thank God you have other family.” As though others can replace the one you have lost. I find you get about two months to get over it. With all fairness, they don’t know what to say. What they don’t know is that they need only to listen. Part of the gift is giving someone else your time to listen far beyond the window allowed. You know they have no one to talk to. You reach out more. The sharing of this gift, when you are able, will comfort you. You will no longer struggle to “get over it.” You will trust that if you are still on this earth, there must be a reason. The new normal person will find that reason. It may not quite exist yet – but it is becoming. © Corinne Edwards |